Dear friends and strangers,
I have been avoiding my blog because I have been avoiding dealing with my French life as it currently stands.
I don’t know how to tell funny anecdotal stories about France right now.
I no longer have a French boyfriend. I’m an American girl who moved to France, fell in love with a boy, grew disillusioned with the country but tried ever so hard to stay there despite being unhappy a lot of the time because she was in love, was unsuccessful and deported. An American girl who, despite moving back into the home she grew up in, felt like a foreigner for the better part of 4 months and is still readjusting to American culture. One who’s long distance relationship with a Frenchman lasted 6 months.
And now I’m on the precipice. I’ve been accepted into graduate programs in France, but I’m not sure I’m ready to jump off the cliff. It’s as if the adventurous spirit of the brave girl who moved to France in 2007 was beaten out of me by that country.
To go or to stay? I wish I knew.
Bisous,
Laura
So sorry you feel the brave has been beaten out of you! I think it's harder to be brave as we get older, but those jumps off a cliff can be the best things we do . . . sometimes. I'm sure whichever decision you make won't be easy, but it'll put you in the right direction for your next journey.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support. I know that I want more adventure in my life, but I'm intimidated to go back to France.
DeleteSo sorry to hear that things have gone pear-shaped. You will make it through and one day look back at this as a character shaping experience. As for your future decision - do you want to jump off the cliff and feel scared or has the cliff just become unappealing? My *unsolicited* advice is to think about what you really want...without worrying about the adventure aspect. :) Bonne chance!
ReplyDeleteThanks! If only it was so easy to figure out what I wanted, haha.
Deleteoh Laura, I'm so sorry. It's so hard when a country is all tied up in a person and then the person doesn't come through. I'm truly sorry. But maybe the grad programs are an opportunity to fall in love with France again - this time for itself and without a boy?
ReplyDeleteIt could be just that. I found it hard to really find community in France, but maybe as a student it'll be easier? It's pretty intimidating either way. Thanks for your support :)
DeleteHang in there Laura, what ever decision you make will be the right one, but make sure when you're making the decision, it's not effected by emotions that you happen to be feeling right now, and that you won't necessarily be feeling six months from now. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of warm, happy thoughts xo
Thanks :)
DeleteJ'ai espoir mieux avoir. Avoir un cœur fidèle.
ReplyDeleteQuels beaux mots, mon copain. Ça va?
DeleteSeul le temps nous le dira.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear it. I hope you can figure out the future from here.
ReplyDeleteAs a 30-something French teacher, I've enjoyed reading your blog. I, too, love France and try to spend as much time there as possible. I have personally found it difficult to date French men. There are a lot of cultural differences, even to girls that know the culture. Bonne chance et bon courage. J'espere que le chemin de votre vie devient plus clair et facile a trouver.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear this update. I've been here for about 14 years and still find it hard to find community here, though things are finally looking up on that front lately. I hope you can come to a decision you are happy with.
ReplyDeleteMa belle, I'm sending all good thoughts of support as you navigate your current process.
ReplyDeleteI know first-hand how hard it is to live here as an American. I know what it feels like to long for some familiar sense of belonging.
I absolutely love my little French life and yet loving it doesn't diminish the struggle I experience daily. Each day holds some difficulty for one reason or another. Each day I have to talk myself away from the edge of vulnerability and remind myself that I used to be confident and that somewhere, perhaps a bit bruised, that confidence still exists within me. Each day I have to laugh off the rolling of eyes and looks that would fall into the 'sneer' category back in my California 'hood...and not because I'm in the world in an obnoxious crew-socks-and-running-shoes-and-loud-voice-in-a-restaurant kind of way, by the way...just because I've missed something in the hidden French code and shown up as someone who is 'not from around here'.
But each day holds something just as wonderful, too...it's a balancing act...each and every day. (And don't even get me started about missing a network of established friends who share my culture - from familiar hugs to 'Leave It To Beaver' references!)
What a wallop to be sorting through. The relationship loss must be painful. And culture shock and its tricky cousin, reverse-culture shock, are very real.
Perhaps for some of us, once we've lived abroad, it feels as if the world has cracked open in a different way and no place feels quite like it fits the way it used to...the sense of 'home' changes in a way that we can't quite put our finger on...and wherever we choose to land takes some level of acceptance and tolerance no matter where it might be. It's as if there's a pebble that we just can't seem to shake out of the 'old slippers' feeling of a former life - and the adorable ballerina slippers of a new life seem to take ever-so-long to break in.
Trust yourself in this process. You'll know the right decision...you'll find your way...and if it shows up to be different once you're into it (as this did), well...then you'll figure out the next step, too...and the next...and the next...and...
C'est la vie, ma fille. It's just a series of baby steps and course adjustments.
Bon courage...I'm sending all good thoughts that you find your way through this fog into the next wonderful unfolding...and whatever that is, *where* ever that is, it *will* be wonderful. You can't make a mistake here...you have only to trust yourself and take a step...(I happen to know a little bit about this stuff...)
Now...stop thinking about this...you'll know when you know...in the meantime, go play in the waves!!
gros bisous
leslie
ps: I, too, have been in radio silence with so many plates spinning that not only could I not keep up with the blog, I'm now in the process of picking up pieces of smashed plates...but they'll make a lovely mosaic one day! ;} I'll be back at it...but perhaps not until September. It was my sister who read your post and let me know what was going on. I'll check back to see how you're getting along. I'm an email away if you need a boost.
Sorry to hear what happened! I think a lot of us have been there though. I moved to France to teach English, fell in love with a French boy, and was miserable for nearly 5 years because I wasn't strong enough to say goodbye to him even though I hated life in France. Eventually we grew apart and I found a new life in Australia. I am very happy here and do not regret leaving France for one second. The thought of ever having to live in France again makes me sad because I know how great it is here compared to how awful it was there.
ReplyDeleteI do think moving to France to study is a completely different thing than just moving to France to work and/or because of a partner. I hated knowing that France could kick me out at any second because my only reason for living there was a French boyfriend. At least in Australia I have a student visa and I'm not dependent on anyone else.
I hope everything turns out great for you. You've suffered long enough; now it's time to be happy. Good luck!
I'd go back to France. I can relate to some of that craziness. But make sure you're doing it for you. Don't think about anyone else but you.
ReplyDeleteSi c'est Lille qui te mine [huhu], tout est normal, il faut aller au Sud de Paris. /demi-troll
ReplyDeleteEt puis, quelles sont ces désillusions, après tout ?